(A diner’s lament)

Excuse me if I be grumpy

‘Cause the throat’s lumpy

Not from events of sadness

It’s Thai meals sullied by blandness!


Locals innocent I remonstrate

Only try to accommodate

Fussy foreigners feigning forays

Couldn’t they simply stay away?


They want authentic in a bubble

Have adventure without the trouble

To travel abroad and not leave home

Don’t want to be in Rome


Some seek yoga and meditation

Take roads of easy station

Pursue massage and trendy attire

While baulking cuisine evoking fire


Others Race jet-skis at breakneck speed

Ride motor-bikes with no heed

Gulp grog buckets, inhale gas and grin

While gastronomically risk-taking’s slim


Many are tattooed or break an arm

Sunbake topless in the gulf of Siam

And love Thais ready to please

Till sight of chilli weakens knees


In distant provinces

This insidious influence has dominances

From Ubon to Trang

I’m served ahan Thai Farang


To cover, I emphasise spicy

When typical that’s dicey

Lulled in false security, I forget

Dished-up plainness to regret


At Krabi taken in jest

Got crabby at lack of zest

Three times I rolled dice

Till finally doled some spice


Oh, Khon Thai help me out

All you need do is add a shout

“You want spicy?” or “Dai pet?”

That’ll go some way to stop the fret


As for Farang on persistent charades

Just stay on the narrow parade

Khao San Road pad Thai

There let your tastebuds lie


Tom yum too hot for the tum?

Noodle soup’ll keep ya tongue mum

Som tum sets your mouth on fire?

Spring rolls can be the aspire


But when ‘spicy’ imprints the menu

Or ‘chilli’ jumps off a page at you

And you want to dumb it down

Rack-off, bugger-off, get outta town


Would you tell the French how to cook?

A Greek fisherman where to look?

Try to lecture Italians on pasta?

That’d have you hightail faster


Coach Japanese on fugu?

You’d have to be cuckoo

Direct Mexicans about taco?

You got to be whacko


You get my drift

Know why I’m miffed

Don’t boss Thais

With First World advise


When further extending the bland

Kindly stick to a familiar brand

Transact with a franchise mould

Dine with herds of Ronald McDonald


And with your Western poison of choice

The Colonel, Burger King or likewise rejoice

Gorge like crazy

And be culturally lazy


‘Cause if you can’t stand the heat

Beat a path of hasty retreat

If you want to stop me bitchin’

Get out of the Thai kitchen!